Immigrants who want to become British and settle permanently in the UK will need to pass more tests to “prove their sanity” to the country under new plans. Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister, told MPs the tightening up of immigration controls was essential: “Why would anybody in their right mind want to come to this shithole?”

The new regulations - which will only apply to people from outside the EU, who don’t speak English, have brown skin and eat curry - are part of a package of measures designed to outflank the Conservatives. Other plans include introducing literacy tests for people who lobby their MPs or contact radio phone-ins to complain about immigration. The prime minister added that foreigners who planned to marry British citizens and settle in the UK would have to pass an English test to prove their understanding of key terms such as “gutted”, “whatever” and “Lowri Turner“.